Q. Dear Dating Advice Girl,
I’m a 30-something male who is about to get back into online dating after a year long vacation from it. One of the things that I feel makes me somewhat unique as a man but makes dating hard for me at times is the fact that I won’t get physically intimate with anyone outside of a committed relationship. I don’t feel comfortable being with a woman sexually unless the relationship has a high level of trust, communication, and emotional intimacy. I’m not waiting to be intimate until I’m married or anything like that, but it just takes more time with me in this area.
The problem is that my boundaries feel so out of step with the hook up culture that we live in, and also the fact that so many people these days, even if they desire a relationship, choose to have sex with their date before there is commitment. Some folks won’t even commit to someone unless sex happens first. I make it a point to put in my online profile that I’m interested in a long term relationship – so hopefully this weeds out women who are just looking for hook ups. Talking about something like this on a first date isn’t an easy thing to do. Do you have any advice for a guy like me?
A. I sooo appreciate your question and your situation. Let me tell you that I know a ton of ladies that would love your perspective and dating approach when it comes to sex especially because you wouldn’t make them feel pressured to have sex early on. I’m sure that you already know this, but those ladies who don’t understand or like that you are waiting for an emotional connection before getting sexual, are not the ladies for you! I know that can be hard when you feel a connection with someone but you should always stick to what makes you most comfortable.
For online dating: Feel free to put a statement like ‘interested in intimacy when the time is right with the right person’ somewhere in your profile. That will send a clear message saying that you are not interested in sex right away. Those ladies that like your transparency will be interested and those who want to have sex early on will not be interested. It will serve as an effective way to weed out those who may not be right for you and what you are looking for.
For dates that you’ve met face to face: I’m not a fan of disclosing too much info on the first date. Too much too fast can make a potential love-interest nervous or uncomfortable. After a few dates and if there is chemistry and you see potential, feel free to tell your potential love-interest that you want to take things slow. Start a conversation about sex and intimacy after a few dates though because most women are used to a guy making a move a few dates in. Just be clear about your views so your potential love-interest doesn’t mistake chivalry and personal boundaries for disinterest.
Remember, it can be weird for a woman if you don’t say anything about your choice to take things slow sexually. A lot of women are used to guys making a move early on. If a girl doesn’t know that you are choosing to wait and she naturally compares your interaction to past guys she has dated, she could think that you aren’t attracted to her, that she did something wrong, etc. I’ve been in that position myself. I interpreted a love-interest’s choice to not make a move as a sign of disinterest. All of that could have been avoided if they would have told me that they were waiting to have sex and I still would have dated them. This is why it is important by date 3 or 4 to tell her where you stand to make sure that your dating objectives are evenly matched. So post your preference in your online dating profile and/or mention it to your love-interest after you’ve been out a few times.
On a personal note, I think it’s really great that you’ve made this choice for yourself. I actually think more guys and girls feel the way you do, but they feel weird and think that they will be judged. Keep following your heart and dating in the way that is comfortable for you and you are sure to find women who will embrace your dating style!
Erin ‘The Dating Advice Girl’